Friends With Benefits (2011)

Tawdry, one-note, and cheesetastic to the point of inducing heart congestion, this rom-com is a remake of No Strings Attached...meaning it's yet another movie about two "emotionally unavailable" young professionals, one a prospective editor for GQ, the other a corporate headhunter, who decide to maintain a purely sexual, romance-free relationship. The two wildly successful, beautiful, and, mostly, well-behaved yuppies are played by Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, which should already clue you in to the standards of this movie. Have you ever seen either of them in public appearances? Then you are already familiar with their characters in the film, save for some arbitrary quirks for each party (nearly dyslexic math skills and a juvenile tendency to trespass simply for a "cool view"). The real con of the film is that the two leads, contrary to the title, are NOT REALLY FRIENDS. They meet about 5 minutes into the movie, and there is not very much time passed (maybe a couple of weeks) before they start doing bedroom gymnastics, with friend-exclusive comforts like Justin's mid-coital Semisonic renditions and Mila's lack of body image issues, because hey, if he's just my friend what do I care if he sees me naked (I'd say Mila's problems are more that she sounds remarkably like Meg Griffin, but that's just me)? They have an unproven relationship as platonic friends, so there is absolutely no tension as to whether these two young, fit studs are going to segue their immediate chemistry into a relationship. But a tentative, molasses-slow romance isn't what you're there to see, is it?

Too bad the laughs are barely there, the romance, corny and contrived, and the chemistry between the two leads amounts to nothing more than two hot-at-the-moment stars trying to maintain their stage personas, as well as their sex appeal. There are sex scenes, but they are over-the-top and played solely for laughs (there is nudity, but only of the rear end variety and, in Kunis' case, probably a stand-in). The dialogue that attempts to sound like hip, contemporary young people talking could've very well just been written by your average 20-something professional with its complete lack of subtext, subtlety, and originality (instead of the writers giving the girl a flamboyantly gay best friend, it's Timberlake who bonds with the homosexual who says things like "I never take the ferry...unless it's to a dinner and a movie!"). The only sparks the film achieves is due to its supporting cast, which includes Richard Jenkins, Jenna Elfman, Patricia Clarkson, and Woody Harrelson as the aformentioned "gay buddy" (who, to be fair, scores the biggest laughs in the film). While it is painful to watch such talented people walk on and recite arbitrary, unremarkable dialogue and exposition, in tandem with the walk-ons by Jason Segal, Emma Stone, Rashida Jones, Andy Samberg, and others, they provide the only moments of humor or energy to be found in this lifeless endeavor (Segal and Jones' hyper-romanticized film-within-a-film is clumsy and obvious, but they make it somewhat work). The other attempts at bridging the gap between broad, female-centric behavioral humor and its half-assed post-modern meta-awareness of its rom-com trappings fail miserably, and the two leads flounder around trying to cut vulnerable, identifiable figures out of flat, unrealistically perfect, and painfully stupid characters.

Skip It, save for women who want to have an estrogen-fest with a friend (please don't drag your poor male date to this unless he asks, in which case I hope he's trying to leverage the "casual sex" angle of the film into something a little more practical), as well as those who absolutely need to see these two cavorting in their skivvies for a good amount of screentime.

The Locusts (1997)

Overcooked and often campy, this midwestern-set melodrama revolves around a drifter who gets involved with a farmer matriarch and her simpleton son. The film strives to be some sort of bridge between Rebel Without A Cause (the idiot son only makes sense when compared to Sal Mineo's character in that one) and Giant (with its down-n-dirty, rural sexual politics) with Vince Vaughn as the James Dean surrogate. Well, the character of the son is a pathetic, over-the-top caricature by Jeremy Davies, the sexual politics are often more castrated and simplistic than the film's Hays Code-era counterparts, and, as we all know 14 years later, Vince Vaughn ain't no James Dean. The majority of the picture focuses on Vaughn and Davies characters bonding and planning their escape from Davies' "scary" mother, played by Kate Capshaw (for some reason, even though this is not directed or produced by Steven Spielberg); it attests to my otherwise-consistent appreciation for the two actors that I sat through their boring, underlit and underwritten exchanges. Ashley Judd and Paul Rudd, two actors I adore, aimlessly wander through the film without real characters, as Vaughn's lover and friend, respectively. But among all the corny shots of dusk-hewed fields and the hilariously obvious and sappy dialogue, the biggest offence of the film is the top-billed role rendered by Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom's fatal flaw, Kate Capshaw. To describe her performance as "overacting" would be a complement, for that would imply that there was some actual acting involved with the process; she merely mumbles her lines, stone-faced, while, seemingly, spending all her attention making sure she hits her marks. The way the character is written, with her Mommie Dearest-esque parenting methods (she castrates a horse in front of Davies to, you know, keep him at home) and her psychotic relationship with Vaughn (with whom she alternates flirtation and straight mental torture), would give any actress a hard time to render her realistically, but Capshaw really doesn't seem to be trying, and if she is, she'd probably be best staying at home and taking care of Sir Steven's offspring. Her role, clearly meant to emulate the smoldering roles that Elizabeth Taylor and Ava Gardner could play in their sleep, is such a pathetic misstep that it relegates the whole film from "forgotten disappointment" to "utter travesty." I wondered how a film from my grade school days with such a prolific cast (many of whom I actually respect) could have gone under my radar for so long; it took maybe 10 minutes of the film to realize why.

Skip It, save for Vince Vaughn fans who NEED to see him try and be a soft, cuddly James Dean surrogate or Jeremy Davies fans who haven't had enough of his age-old mental cripple schtick (perfected, of course, in Saving Private Ryan).

The Last Airbender (2010)

I have to admit, I didn't really watch the film with its original production audio, but rather with the custom Rifftrax audio commentary that the Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys made for this one. That being said, while the viewing experience was hilarious, self-aware, and more accessible, the film itself struck me as a humorless adaptation of the animated series, with beloved characters rendered into lame caricatures and plot points, along with a painfully dull, first-of-a-trilogy plotline. I cannot give this turd a full review. But I can wholeheartedly recommend watching it with the Rifftrax in place, where the plethora of shortcomings, misconceptions, and shoddy performances become not detriments to the film, but rather its glorious, epic-fail signature. For those who actually followed the series devoutly, and expected more from a big-budget Hollywood adaptation, I am sad to say, it's just not there; from the annoying reductions of the three leads to the impotent flailings of villainous Dev Patel, there is very little here to appreciate with any sort of sincerity. The effects, my biggest hope for the production since the original teaser on last year's Super Bowl, are, surprisingly, repetitive and unremarkable, and do nothing to expand what has been seen in the promotions. I made a decision, years ago, that the strengths of The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and even Signs, made M. Night Shymalan worth defending, or at least, worth holding out hope for; why does he actively keep making it harder for me?

W/ Rifftrax: Recommended for fans of campy, overreaching fantasy/sci-fi such as Flash Gordon or Dune.

http://www.rifftrax.com/rifftrax/last-airbender

W/out Rifftrax: Skip it.

Double Dragon (1994)

I had written a longer, more comprehensive review of this film, and before I was able to publish, Blogger decided to not only stop working, but to lose its autosave of my progress. This film is not worth reviewing in full form again, but I am very disappointed that my thoughts on video game adaptations in the '90s are lost forever in the annals of the internet.

Long story short, Hollywood did not know how to go about adapting video games because they were seen as toys for children, yet had fairly violent and large-scale notions and ideas. That's how you get a Street Fighter movie where no one fights in the streets, a Mortal Kombat movie without any blood-dripping fatalities, and a Double Dragon movie where Billy and Jimmy Lee are being pursued by evil, rather than taking it out one punk at a time. They have a ghetto-looking car that they control with a video game controller. Their main physical threat is a disgusting pig man who looks like a Max Headroom reject. They wear color-coded hoodies and sweats until the last 5 minutes of the movie. They are backed up by a gang of rebellious street punks led by Alyssa Milano. And they are played by Mark Dacascos and, direct from Party of Five, Scott Wolf. Needless to say the movie's a bomb; even Robert Patrick's scenery gnashing as the villain does nothing to kickstart the movie into something watchable. The action is almost nonexistent, and the martial arts that ARE on display are absolute crap, on par with a bad Power Rangers episode (a shame, given I've seen Dacascos kick some serious ass on film).

Skip it. For context, this PG-13 flick made a little less than 2.5 mil in the U.S. box office. Less than R-rated flicks like House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and Bloodrayne (made by a German genius named Uwe Boll). Hmm.

P.S. Andy Dick, George Hamilton, and Vanna White play news anchors in the film. Just in case there were some of you still ready to hunt this down like I did.

Meet Wally Sparks (1997)

Dogshit, cheap comedy about a talk show host a la Jerry Springer who begins shooting his riotous show from within the walls of the Governor's mansion...seriously. I hate to fault a plot for the reason of a comedy's failure, but Jesus, watching this movie play just seems sad, like they're not even trying. Rodney Dangerfield plays Wally Sparks like a boring version of himself, but the films few laughs are from lines taken straight from his stage routine (and from a Tony Danza cameo...sigh I can't believe I watched this fucking movie). To impress TV exec Burt Reynolds (again...sigh), he classes up his act by tearing shit up not on his own soundstage, but the house of the conservative, family-values oriented governor. I feel retarded just writing that out. But for those of you who think that's the set up for a laugh riot, well, it isn't. Most of the film is slapstick humor about how Dangerfield's presence turns the mansion upside down; for example, he plays Old Time Rock and Roll while old women in their jammies slide down the hallway on their socks (I'd sigh but there's no air left to sigh out). The funny people, Dangerfield included, just stand on the sideline watching props (and dignity) get destroyed, hoping people will think it's funny (they didn't; this was pretty much DTV).

SKIP IT. This has a very Chairman of the Bored vibe going through it, and it doesn't even have Larry Miller trying to schtupp 60 year old Raquel Welch (which, admittedly, was pretty awesome).

Twilight: New Moon (2009)

What do you expect? Utter dogshit. Dialogue never rings true (save for one scene, later on that), direction is flat and uninspired, acting is strictly CW quality, and when the shit goes down, the action is really not all that cool. Kristen Stewart has a special section in hell waiting for her where lots of depressed, but ostensibly attractive high school girls incessantly push their hair back, bite their lips, and dream about ethereal, omnipotent saviors like Edward while giving it up at 16 to someone on their school's offensive line. Her performance is godawful, and with 3 reasons. 1. (As evidenced in Adventureland, Panic Room, and What Just Happenned) Kristen Stewart does not know how to act. 2. The dialogue that is fed to her is the lamest, most adult-book dreck I've ever heard in my life. 3. Due to their affinity to the books, girls actually force themselves to connect with this wretched creature. So she's poisoning the demeanor of many impressionable young girls, who are going to come of age and infect the general population like poison in water.

Pattinson and Lautner are not as outwardly despicable as Bella, or Stewart; if Lautner plays his cards right, he can actually have a decent career, with his roided out abs and exotic, yet familiar looks. But Olivier would have trouble selling this shit. I mean, when they go into sunlight, the vampires (if you can even call them that) don't explode...they sparkle. They shine like Malcolm X's teeth before he converted to Islam. It's real fucking stupid on paper, and even goofier when they are sparkling bare chested in front of the Vatican. Speaking of which, when they go to Italy, and Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning fuck with them to see their fidelity to vampirism, the movie is half-entertaining. Watching Sheen, a wonderfully talented actor, steal scenes from these stuck-in-acting class noobs that get all the press was one of the few pleasures of this film. And Dakota MAY ACTUALLY be getting better as she grows up. But this is still utter dogcrap, with verrry few redeemable qualities, and should be forgotten for the progression of humanity.

Avoid at all costs, unless you are a chicky chick or someone who dates a chicky chick. Then it's like the Jonas Brothers in South Park; tingly Ginies all around.