Thursday, December 24, 2009

Twilight: New Moon (2009)

What do you expect? Utter dogshit. Dialogue never rings true (save for one scene, later on that), direction is flat and uninspired, acting is strictly CW quality, and when the shit goes down, the action is really not all that cool. Kristen Stewart has a special section in hell waiting for her where lots of depressed, but ostensibly attractive high school girls incessantly push their hair back, bite their lips, and dream about ethereal, omnipotent saviors like Edward while giving it up at 16 to someone on their school's offensive line. Her performance is godawful, and with 3 reasons. 1. (As evidenced in Adventureland, Panic Room, and What Just Happenned) Kristen Stewart does not know how to act. 2. The dialogue that is fed to her is the lamest, most adult-book dreck I've ever heard in my life. 3. Due to their affinity to the books, girls actually force themselves to connect with this wretched creature. So she's poisoning the demeanor of many impressionable young girls, who are going to come of age and infect the general population like poison in water.

Pattinson and Lautner are not as outwardly despicable as Bella, or Stewart; if Lautner plays his cards right, he can actually have a decent career, with his roided out abs and exotic, yet familiar looks. But Olivier would have trouble selling this shit. I mean, when they go into sunlight, the vampires (if you can even call them that) don't explode...they sparkle. They shine like Malcolm X's teeth before he converted to Islam. It's real fucking stupid on paper, and even goofier when they are sparkling bare chested in front of the Vatican. Speaking of which, when they go to Italy, and Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning fuck with them to see their fidelity to vampirism, the movie is half-entertaining. Watching Sheen, a wonderfully talented actor, steal scenes from these stuck-in-acting class noobs that get all the press was one of the few pleasures of this film. And Dakota MAY ACTUALLY be getting better as she grows up. But this is still utter dogcrap, with verrry few redeemable qualities, and should be forgotten for the progression of humanity.

Avoid at all costs, unless you are a chicky chick or someone who dates a chicky chick. Then it's like the Jonas Brothers in South Park; tingly Ginies all around.

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